I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
