So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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