Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
