i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
