his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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