I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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