so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
