im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
