he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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