never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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