I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
