This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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