Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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