Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
