Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
