How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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