If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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