Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
