we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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