just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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