OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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