I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
