They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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