I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
