I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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