I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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