haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
