haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My liver just had a heart attack.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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