I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
