Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
