so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
