Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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