I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
