I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
