So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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