how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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