if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
