Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
