I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
