meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
