soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
