I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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