I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
