If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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