if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
