moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
