I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
