Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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