grandma shit on top of the toilet
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize