Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
