The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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