i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
pray to the hookup gods
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
