All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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