omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
